Don’t superheroes get maternity leave?

You could subtitle this post Disturbing Superhero Images, vol. 2
Here’s vol. 1 in case you’ve forgotten. I should really keep up to date on these things.

Jonathan has this Spider-man & Friends memory game. In this game you match the top half of the superhero to the bottom half. A very interesting concept and I’m sure this game is enjoyed most by the Marvel supervillians.

Well, upon close inspection of these playing pieces (because I have nothing better to do) I noticed something. The male superheroes like Spidey, Thing, and the Hulk are buff, with six pack abs and bulging muscles.

Okay, so maybe Spider-man looks more like Fonzie. The girls, however, look 4-5 months pregnant. Here’s Spider-girl and Storm:

Being married to a currently pregnant woman, I can truly say that it is indeed a super power. But not exactly in the crime fighting sense. More in the creating life sense. Karen’s other superpower is getting me to go get things for her.

I love global warming

If the environmentalists can promise me mid-60’s weather every January then I’m buying a Hummer this year.

So it was warm and Jonathan has been driving me crazy lately, so I decided to take him to the park to run off some steam. We had a great time, but something has changed.

We were there during school hours, so he was one of the oldest kids there. It was the first time I had to tell him to “watch out for the little kids” so he didn’t knock them over. It was surreal watching him with the toddlers and other preschoolers. I’m used to him being the kid brother, the tag-along, but he really is growing up.

I’ve spent all this time daydreaming about what it will be like in September when he starts all-day kindergarten (mmmm, quiet), but I think it’s really going to be weird not having him around.

Since Ben will always be with us I suppose I look at Jonathan as the baby of the family, the one who shouldn’t be allowed to grow up but who does anyway. It’s tough to imagine him going off this year in uniforms and backpack to school.

Ben:1, Dad:0

Benjamin’s therapy sessions don’t always go as planned. Sometimes Ben doesn’t like what’s going on so he tries to sleep to escape it, which means we have to try something new to keep his attention. His therapists aren’t big softies like Dad, though, he doesn’t get away with much with them. But sometimes he’s already asleep when his therapists get here. This is due to Dad’s lack of a meaningful schedule for him. It’s always interesting to see which technique works to wake him up each time.

Last week Ben had Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy back to back. That’s a lot of work for one little guy. And it was also probably my fault. Ten minutes or so into OT Ben decided it was nap time. So we tried lots of different things that didn’t work. That’s when I brought out the big guns: the black beans. Yes, we’ve been using dried beans and rice as sensory therapy lately, but even that didn’t work.

Usually it’s the grabbing of his arm that bothers him the most, but he generally likes the beans a lot less than the rice. And yes, that means that one of my strategies to wake him up was to annoy him. Tell me you haven’t done it. Besides, it didn’t work. We continued trying different things and he eventually woke up when he was good and ready.

The Halloween tax

Who loves Halloween the most?  Is it the kids, the parents, the candy makers?  Personally I think it’s the dentists.  Just look at last night’s takings for my two trick or treaters:

Do you really think they should be eating all that candy?  Not me.  It’s bad for their teeth, it’s bad for their health, it’s bad for anything breakable in the house.  That’s why we have the Halloween tax at our house.  The Halloween tax is taken from the loot while the kids are at school or sleeping (or otherwise engaged during the day).  The first things to go are peanut butter cups, and Mom and Dad race to see who can claim them first.  Then we calmly pick through the remains to see what else catches our fancy.  I say “we.”  It’s mostly me.

So yes, I graze on my kids’ Halloween takings.  I suppose that makes me evil.  Dr. Evil to you.

The next lesson will cover the Immaculate Reception

Last weekend Isaac and I made an overnight trip to go see the Steelers play the Seahawks.  We stayed with my sister Saturday night and drove to the game Sunday morning.  We parked across the river and rode the boat across to the stadium. Isaac was impressed at how big it was. We entered the stadium at Gate A. Our seats, however, were in Beaver Falls.

Isaac got a cool face tattoo. Then we decided we’d find some food and, more importantly, water. Say hello (or goodbye) to twenty bucks:

Then we made our way slowly to our seats. It was a long walk.  We got there a minute into the second quarter. Did I say it was hot? Holy cow, it must have been 95 degrees. We sat there for ten minutes. Isaac was dripping with sweat, so I suggested we find somewhere shady to watch the game. Isaac also got to see the Super Bowl trophies and the Great Hall.

I knew going in that I wasn’t going to see a lot of football. It turned out to be more of a sightseeing trip than anything. That was cool, we had a great time.

When the score went to 21-0 we headed back for the boat.  We left the game and went straight home. Poor kid zonked out on the ride home.  He walked all day long without complaining.

Isaac’s favorite animal is the tiger, so last year he told me he likes the Bengals. Well, going to that game last week changed everything. He now bleeds Black and Gold. Monday he didn’t have school (Columbus Day), and he printed out some coloring pictures that he then hung above his bed.

That week he drew a picture at school that says “Daddy! I like you because you watch football.”

Mission accomplished.

Cleats

I really mean well. Really I do, but here we have another example of what I thought was a great idea turning on me.

Your kid signs up for soccer. You think two things, right? Shin guards and cleats. That’s what he needs. Isaac has had cleats since he was five playing U6 soccer for the AYSO. So when Jonathan was getting ready for his first soccer practice I went out and got him shin guards and cleats, and his very own blue soccer ball. They make soccer shoes very narrow for some reason, and Jonathan has wide feet. That plus that equals we had to buy cleats for him that were a half size too long. That’s okay, they look great.

Then he gets out to the soccer field. Wouldn’t you know it, his uniform is black and red, just like his new cleats. Way cool, Daddy’s the hero! Celebrate!

But there’s just one problem. Jonathan is four years old. The cleats are a half size too big. They play on grass in a very uneven field. Figured it out yet? Well, let’s just say that sometimes he has trouble lifting those cleats out of the grass, with the result being he falls over.

At least there aren’t any rocks in the field.

Saying goodbye to Pappy

My mom’s husband died in an accident last week.  People ask “so he’s your stepdad?” and the answer is “not really.”  They got married when I was nineteen, so he wasn’t so much of a father figure as he was a companion for my mother.  But he was Pappy to my kids.  Being three (sometimes four) hours away, we didn’t get to see them as much as we’d liked.  And when we did see them, of course the visits were too short.  We’d just had dinner with them at my sister’s house a few short days before the accident.

Pappy’s youngest daughter gave a very moving tribute to him during the funeral service.  This past weekend I saw a family devastated by tragedy celebrating the life of their patriarch.  It’s funny how everybody in the family (myself included) has their own impersonation of his booming voice.  I can honestly say that if I’m as beloved by my family at age 75 as he was I’ll be a very happy man.

Making myself useful

We bought our washing machine six years ago. You’d think they would last longer than that. But apparently not. Our motor died a spectacular death last week, making the downstairs lights flicker rapidly every time it tried to start spinning. I was given two options on the phone by the repair guy. Spend $250 to fix the motor or probably $350 to replace the whole thing. Fixing the machine wasn’t really worth it. But then I started looking online, and I found a motor on ebay for $160. I started thinking. I could save us two hundred bucks, or I could end up costing us an extra hundred sixty. Karen resignedly gave her support, so I ordered the part. It happened to be in state, so UPS ground got it here the next day.

First thing, I had to go get a new tool just so I could take out the old motor:

While I’m at Lowe’s, I really should get a new tool box.

Even with this new tool, it was a real pain getting the old one out and the new one in. About a half hour each way.

I also had to drill a hole so I could mount the new startup capacitor:

Karen was shocked and relieved to see that it worked. I was pleasantly surprised as well. They changed the design of the motor, so hopefully this one will last until the kids graduate college. Now, if I could only fix that toilet paper holder…

Postgame sliders

This is Part II from my previous post on chili. That one was running a little long so I decided to give the sliders their own post.

If you have enough energy after eating all that chili, you can go ahead and make some sliders, or mini hamburgers, as a postgame top off. I got this idea a couple years ago from a cookbook for toddlers, and it said that these were just as popular with adults as they are with kids. Further confirmation came from Top Chef last month, where they made these for late-night partygoers in Miami.

I love mushrooms. The problem with putting them on burgers, however, is that they all tend to fall out onto your shirt. You can’t taste them on your shirt. I’ve been on the lookout for months for an idea to put shrooms on a burger successfully. And I had my epiphany right there in the supermarket. I know, I’ve had those before, but I didn’t have the kids with me this time. My idea: small burgers, big mushrooms:

I know what you’re thinking. Thank you, I thought it was brilliant too. And while I’m grilling mushrooms I may as well grill some onions too. Oooh, and I found this great recipe for grilled fries from Bobby Flay, so we even have a side dish.

So how’d it go, you say? It went well. I took a pound of ground chuck and mixed it with a pound of what I later found out was Karen’s special ground round that she uses for a “burn Mark’s taste buds off” Thai dish of hers. So the burgers should be awesome. I mixed in 3 minced cloves of garlic and some kosher salt. Out of 2 pounds of meat I ended up with 17 burgers, so that’s about 8 per pound. I basically shaped them to be a little bigger than the rolls.

I slice up an onion and those big shrooms and take everything outside. I put the onions and mushrooms on the piece of foil and transfer it to the grill, only on the way everything drops to the ground. One of the mushrooms actually breaks into five pieces upon impact, furthering my humiliation.

I salvaged one of the mushrooms and grilled dinner.

I learned something. When grilling mushrooms, don’t put them on foil. They stick. Put them directly on the grill, or maybe even in a little cast iron skillet on the grill. That sounds good. Put the onions in there too, while you’re at it. Now I’m getting hungry again. Anyway, everything turned out well. I did char the fries a bit, but it was getting dark and I couldn’t really see that well. But I did make a successful mushroom swiss burger:

Next time I may make my own burger buns, Karen’s already tried it.

15 Weird things in the Wal-Mart dairy section

Daddyforever had this great meme, called “15 weird things about me.” It quickly turned from “weird things” to “his wife will stab him 15 times with a kitchen knife for this.” Hopefully the wounds won’t be fatal and the police won’t find his body washed ashore on the Pacific coast somewhere.

So instead of airing my laundry I decided to stay on the Wal-Mart theme I started on Friday. When you’re shopping you kind of have blinders on, and if something’s not on your list you don’t really see it. Well I didn’t have that luxury while stocking the shelves, and let me tell you the dairy section has some of the nastiest products in the store. So here they are, in ascending order of nasty, fifteen weird things in the dairy section of Wal-Mart.

Before you ask, yes, the refrigerated juices count as the dairy section. Don’t ask me, I’m a mindless drone. Start the countdown!

15. Goat’s milk - Not really weird, but we never had it in stock. The day before I left we got a shipment of one carton. A customer was very happy that day.

14. Pineapple Orange Banana juice

13. Frigo Cheese heads mozzarella/cheddar swirled cheese sticks

12. Soy chocolate milk

And now, something from the yogurt wall…
(that’s right, it’s the wall where the yogurt is.)

11. Thick & Creamy Light key lime pie flavored yogurt - “Thick & Creamy” and “Light” don’t go together.

10. Boston Cream Pie flavored yogurt

9. Pina Colada flavored yogurt

8. Vanilla yogurt with mini Reese’s Pieces to stir in it

7. Coffee flavored yogurt

6. Flan - This isn’t really weird, it’s just not something I’d buy from a box at Wal-Mart.

5. Gallons of Great Valu orange juice - didn’t resemble juice at all, so naturally we couldn’t stock it fast enough.

4. Yoohoo! - does anybody really know what’s in that stuff?

3. Soy yogurt

2. Cottage cheese with pineapple jam for you to mix in with it

1. Salmon flavored cream cheese

There was also an extensive selection of items in the pre-made dough section, but that’s another post.