…and one more on the way

Life is very interesting when you have all boys. I have three, very soon to be four.

Life with boys includes, but is not limited to:

Farting noises

Uranus jokes

Superheroes

Video games

Toy dissection

Knights and battles

I have also made some observations along the way:

1. Never say “okay” if you weren’t paying attention to the question.

2. Fighting over the baby brother can quickly turn into fighting on the baby brother.

3. A single baby fart can entertain the older brothers for hours.

4. So can a baby booger.

5. Boys have the coolest section in the toy store and the Disney store.

6. But not the clothing store.

Thank you to Lawrence, a year and a half later

Let’s see, as a Christmas present from December 2006 (coincidentally the last time we saw the man) we were given a coat rack for our entry way as a subtle hint gag gift. We have no coat closet in our 110 year old house so he bought us a coat rack. Doing some math, that’s 16 months later I get around to hanging the thing.

In my defense, I did have some repair work to do before I could hang it. I had to stop the water leakage problems (involving fixing the roof, cleaning out the downspouts, and repainting that corner of the house), wait for the wall to dry, patch the plaster, then prime and paint.

Four years I’ve been hanging my coat on the dining room chairs. It will take months for me to get used to going to the door for my coat.

Do the laundry

And when you’re done with that clean the fireplace.

Don’t superheroes get maternity leave?

You could subtitle this post Disturbing Superhero Images, vol. 2
Here’s vol. 1 in case you’ve forgotten. I should really keep up to date on these things.

Jonathan has this Spider-man & Friends memory game. In this game you match the top half of the superhero to the bottom half. A very interesting concept and I’m sure this game is enjoyed most by the Marvel supervillians.

Well, upon close inspection of these playing pieces (because I have nothing better to do) I noticed something. The male superheroes like Spidey, Thing, and the Hulk are buff, with six pack abs and bulging muscles.

Okay, so maybe Spider-man looks more like Fonzie. The girls, however, look 4-5 months pregnant. Here’s Spider-girl and Storm:

Being married to a currently pregnant woman, I can truly say that it is indeed a super power. But not exactly in the crime fighting sense. More in the creating life sense. Karen’s other superpower is getting me to go get things for her.

Wasn’t an owl supposed to deliver this?

This is how the letter reads when you’re accepted into a school of magic:

Dear Mr. Potter,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.
Yours Sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress

Here’s how the letter reads when you’re accepted into kindergarten at the Catholic school:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Dinner,
Thank you for taking the time to allow your child to participate in the evaluation process for the 2008-2009 kindergarten program at [You don't expect me to put the name of the school here, do you?]. Our evaluators are pleased to report that your child meets all the criteria to have a successful experience in our program for the coming school year.

In other words, congratulations, your child is qualified to enter kindergarten. Personally I’d rather have gotten the Hogwarts letter.

Where do babies come from?

This is the first in a series of posts aimed at educating my readers. I know that drivel you were taught in health class, it was all a pack of lies. I can tell you with confidence that there are many things that make babies magically appear from the sky. These include:

1. Purchasing more Christmas stocking hangers than there are people living in your house.

We bought these when Aliyah was staying with us, but then she moved on campus. That makes this one her fault.

2. Having a car whose seating capacity is larger than your family.

3. Having an unused guest bedroom in your house.

This one is also Aliyah’s fault. Note that the color of the room is pink, guaranteeing that the child will be another boy.

4. Having a blog whose tagline starts with “Life with three boys…”

5. Being on someone’s blogroll who calls your blog “Ben and his THREE Brothers.”

6. Naming your blog “My Three Sons.”

This is what I almost called my blog, but I’m nowhere near Fred McMurray’s height.

7. Putting off the vasectomy.

Okay, so maybe this is the real reason

The Cliffs of Insanity

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That pretty much sums up how I’m feeling right now.

This summer we’re going to start this big comedy all over again. This is the reason why blog posts have been few and far between lately. Karen said that there was an elephant in the room that we didn’t want to talk about. That’s great for her to say but I’m not going anywhere near there. Rule #1 is husbands of pregnant women should not compare them to pachyderms. EVER.

Does whatever a spider egg does

Easter brings to mind many different images.  Crosses, Bunnies, chocolates, eggs, and of course Spider-man.

Jonathan’s preschool had an Easter egg hunt and along the way he found this little gem. I mean, of course there’s an Easter egg in the shape of Spider-man’s head. Why wouldn’t there be? And why would I think this is the slightest bit weird or creepy? Well, there is the notion of popping open his noggin to get to the booty inside:

This brings up an interesting question. What kind of candy is filling Spider-man’s head? Candy corn, perhaps, because of all of his corny jokes. Or maybe candy bugs.  Spiders eat bugs.  What do you think?

Ode to my car

When Jonathan was born I sold my beloved ‘94 Mustang so I could purchase a minivan. But with three kids and expanded car seat laws these days you’re breaking the law if you don’t drive a minivan. I’m not sure if the oil companies, automakers, or the car seat manufacturers were behind all these laws, but I was safe enough riding on my Mom’s lap in the front seat with no seat belt.

If you’d told me on that fateful day five years ago (as I watched my Mom drive off in my Mustang) that I would one day pine for my minivan I’d have thought you were crazy. But here we are, 2008 and for two years running I’ve had this thing in the shop for about a week in the spring. This time it was for some body work.

So from Wednesday of last week until Monday of this week I had to squeeze three boys in the back seat of Karen’s Oldsmobile any time I needed to go anywhere. Oh, how I missed the ease of getting in and out of the minivan. The sliding door that makes it so easy to haul children and gear in an out. The roominess - Jonathan’s feet can’t yet reach the front seat so he can’t kick. I even like being that high off the ground so I can see since I’m short. But mostly it’s Ben’s car seat. We’ve got the base strapped into the van so all we have to do is click it down, but in Karen’s car it’s a pretty big ordeal to strap him in.

So that’s it. I miss my minivan when it’s gone, and I’m happy when it comes back.  I’m officially a soccer mom.

I am Kevin

Stay At Home Dad.
Mr. Mom.
Karen’s Wife.
Mr. Karen.

I’m not really sure what people call me behind my back, but for a long time now I’ve been looking for a good analogy. Something I can point to and tell people “This is what it feels like to do what I do.” I found my analogy, my champion, a couple months ago. His name is Kevin. And thanks to Kevin I can tell you who didn’t know and who were curious as to what it’s like. It goes like this:

Being a stay at home dad is like being the straight guy on Project Runway.

I know what you’re thinking. “YOU watch project runway?” Yes, get over it. I don’t have to prove anything to anybody.

You may ask “How is being a stay at home dad like being a straight male fashion designer?”  Let me enlighten you:

1.  You’re not really “one of the guys,” and you’re not really “one of the girls” either.
2. When you answer the “What do you do for a living?” question you’re greeted by “Wow, really? That’s great!” but secretly they’re thinking do guys do that?
3.  The people you work with act like four year olds.  (In my case they are four year olds.)
4.  You act like you know what you’re doing, all the while fooling no one.
5.  Every woman who sees you work thinks to herself “I could do better.”

See, and since I watched Project Runway this season that makes me an expert on the fashion industry.  So I know what I’m talking about.