Where do babies come from?

This is the first in a series of posts aimed at educating my readers. I know that drivel you were taught in health class, it was all a pack of lies. I can tell you with confidence that there are many things that make babies magically appear from the sky. These include:

1. Purchasing more Christmas stocking hangers than there are people living in your house.

We bought these when Aliyah was staying with us, but then she moved on campus. That makes this one her fault.

2. Having a car whose seating capacity is larger than your family.

3. Having an unused guest bedroom in your house.

This one is also Aliyah’s fault. Note that the color of the room is pink, guaranteeing that the child will be another boy.

4. Having a blog whose tagline starts with “Life with three boys…”

5. Being on someone’s blogroll who calls your blog “Ben and his THREE Brothers.”

6. Naming your blog “My Three Sons.”

This is what I almost called my blog, but I’m nowhere near Fred McMurray’s height.

7. Putting off the vasectomy.

Okay, so maybe this is the real reason

In other news, Jared quits Subway for Pizza Hut

Jonathan’s preschool spent a week talking about eating healthy things. To kick things off they went to Pizza Hut on Monday for a field trip. Pizza Hut. When I think about healthy eating Pizza Hut is the first thing that comes to mind, right after McDonald’s and Taco Bell. Isaac had this same preschool teacher so I know this Pizza Hut trip is one of her favorites.

Quick question: what time would you schedule a field trip to Pizza Hut for a bunch of 4-5 year olds? That’s right, 9:00am. The kids just had breakfast and they’re full of energy, and they’re asked to come in and sit still at booths and tables. In the meantime the parents hope they don’t start pulling the light fixtures from the ceiling.

So we all pile into this tiny little dining room in a restaurant that is really designed for delivery. We’re waiting and the kids are starting to act up a bit when I notice the teachers huddled in a circle talking in hushed voices. Then they start counting kids and adults. They’re seeing about fire codes and all that. I hear one teacher report 31 kids (including siblings) and another report 34 adults (including six teachers). Maximum occupancy for the restaurant? 54.

Four teachers head back to the school. I start thinking “I am so blogging this.” Apparently they didn’t have to send any of the students home. They take the kids back to show them how they make the dough, and the different stages it goes through. I was impressed at the size of their stand mixer. Then they let the kids make their own pizzas.

What I meant to say was the pizzas already had sauce and cheese on them, and the kids could put more cheese and / or pepperoni on them. And when you ask a 5 year old to put pepperoni on a pizza you get lots and lots of pepperoni. Much more pepperoni than any pizza should have. In the end, the kids picked most of it off.

The kids ended up having a good time. Of course they did, they got to eat pizza at 10:00am. I can’t wait for the next great field trip idea: tooth care week at the chocolate factory.

Does whatever a spider egg does

Easter brings to mind many different images.  Crosses, Bunnies, chocolates, eggs, and of course Spider-man.

Jonathan’s preschool had an Easter egg hunt and along the way he found this little gem. I mean, of course there’s an Easter egg in the shape of Spider-man’s head. Why wouldn’t there be? And why would I think this is the slightest bit weird or creepy? Well, there is the notion of popping open his noggin to get to the booty inside:

This brings up an interesting question. What kind of candy is filling Spider-man’s head? Candy corn, perhaps, because of all of his corny jokes. Or maybe candy bugs.  Spiders eat bugs.  What do you think?

Ode to my car

When Jonathan was born I sold my beloved ‘94 Mustang so I could purchase a minivan. But with three kids and expanded car seat laws these days you’re breaking the law if you don’t drive a minivan. I’m not sure if the oil companies, automakers, or the car seat manufacturers were behind all these laws, but I was safe enough riding on my Mom’s lap in the front seat with no seat belt.

If you’d told me on that fateful day five years ago (as I watched my Mom drive off in my Mustang) that I would one day pine for my minivan I’d have thought you were crazy. But here we are, 2008 and for two years running I’ve had this thing in the shop for about a week in the spring. This time it was for some body work.

So from Wednesday of last week until Monday of this week I had to squeeze three boys in the back seat of Karen’s Oldsmobile any time I needed to go anywhere. Oh, how I missed the ease of getting in and out of the minivan. The sliding door that makes it so easy to haul children and gear in an out. The roominess - Jonathan’s feet can’t yet reach the front seat so he can’t kick. I even like being that high off the ground so I can see since I’m short. But mostly it’s Ben’s car seat. We’ve got the base strapped into the van so all we have to do is click it down, but in Karen’s car it’s a pretty big ordeal to strap him in.

So that’s it. I miss my minivan when it’s gone, and I’m happy when it comes back.  I’m officially a soccer mom.

I am Kevin

Stay At Home Dad.
Mr. Mom.
Karen’s Wife.
Mr. Karen.

I’m not really sure what people call me behind my back, but for a long time now I’ve been looking for a good analogy. Something I can point to and tell people “This is what it feels like to do what I do.” I found my analogy, my champion, a couple months ago. His name is Kevin. And thanks to Kevin I can tell you who didn’t know and who were curious as to what it’s like. It goes like this:

Being a stay at home dad is like being the straight guy on Project Runway.

I know what you’re thinking. “YOU watch project runway?” Yes, get over it. I don’t have to prove anything to anybody.

You may ask “How is being a stay at home dad like being a straight male fashion designer?”  Let me enlighten you:

1.  You’re not really “one of the guys,” and you’re not really “one of the girls” either.
2. When you answer the “What do you do for a living?” question you’re greeted by “Wow, really? That’s great!” but secretly they’re thinking do guys do that?
3.  The people you work with act like four year olds.  (In my case they are four year olds.)
4.  You act like you know what you’re doing, all the while fooling no one.
5.  Every woman who sees you work thinks to herself “I could do better.”

See, and since I watched Project Runway this season that makes me an expert on the fashion industry.  So I know what I’m talking about.

Blogging the talent show

Isaac was in a talent show last week. He played the Windmill Theme from the Legend of Zelda. We’re dorks, I know. But he did really well and we were very proud of him.

What we didn’t know when I talked Isaac into this was that this talent show is a pretty big deal at the school and there were enough acts to fill three hours of time. It was okay, most of the acts were very cool, and the kids were very excited to get up in front of everyone.

But something struck me as I sit there watching all this. There were 15 dance numbers in the talent show, and the majority of those were accompanied by music from a little side project Disney’s been working on, you may have heard of it.

List this as Reason #384 Why I’m Glad I Have Boys. Hanna Montana is Disney’s cash cow so I suppose it’s inevitable that there are posters, Barbie dolls, two video games for the Nintendo DS, CD’s, DVD’s, the clothing line and accessories, blankets & bedding, musical toothbrushes, breakfast cereals, toy guitars, books, teddy bears, and, um, oh yeah, there’s also a movie. And isn’t there a world tour as well, selling out stadiums and ruining art shows all over the country? (Here’s a shout out to my bud Bennie down in SC!)

But alas, as I write all this down I realize that I am a hypocrite. Yes, it is shameful the overmarketing of Miley Cyrus by Disney, but honestly I’ve got a bunch of Star Wars stuff in the house so I have no room to talk. But I am happy to play video games and Star Wars and Buzz Lightyear with my boys, and now I have renewed appreciation for all that goes with it.

The Wii dance

We play video games in our house, and the Wii is a big hit. It is possible, however, to look a bit silly when you’re playing Wii games, and I suppose that’s part of its appeal. Here’s Jonathan going to town on a punching bag in Wii Sports.

It’s much more impressive as a slide show, but slide.com made all these pictures landscape.  So you’ll have to use your imagination.

I guess I should take those weather warnings seriously

The Weather Channel’s website has been calling for snow every day this week, so why should I believe them today?  Okay, maybe not every day this week, but they’ve certainly been crying wolf this month.  But it snowed today and we got a couple inches.  No big deal, no early dismissals or anything, but the boys wanted to play in the snow.  Actually Jonathan started asking to play in the snow while you could still see the grass.  I told him to wait until Isaac came home from school.  So he did - quite impatiently I might add.

Isaac came home from school and Jonathan assaulted him at the door.  Isaac wasn’t in the mood to play in the snow and asked if he could do it tomorrow after school instead.  “Um, I think it’s supposed to get warmer tomorrow, the snow may melt,” I told him.  So he changed his clothes and indulged his kid brother.  It didn’t take much doing, honestly.  But Jonathan was out the door before Isaac even had his clothes on.

They had a lot of fun (of course they did!).  Here’s a picture of Isaac throwing a snowball at Jonathan while Jonny gives him a target.

A great time was had by all, and the best part was Isaac didn’t miss any school.

American Idol Viewer’s Guide

American Idol returns tonight, isn’t that great?  Since I have no self respect any more I can proudly say that I watched every episode last year (yes I voted for Jordin).  You have to wonder what poor soul will be chosen as a finalist, only to serve as Simon Cowell’s personal punching bag until they are mercifully eliminated.  Has anyone ever asked if these contestants get paid for making Fox all that money?  Just asking.

Anyway, as I said I have one full year of American Idol watching experience.  A harrowing experience it was, too.  And since I don’t learn from my mistakes I’ll probably watch every show this season as well.  But I did learn some things along the way, and since I’m a nice guy I thought I’d pass them on to the world at large.

Mark’s Guide to Watching American Idol

1. Don’t watch it live!  Tivo, DVR, whatever you call it, USE IT.   There are so many ads during the show that you shouldn’t have to subject yourself to the myriad commercial breaks as well.  Wait until about a third of the way through, then start watching the recording.  As soon as you see the number to call pop up on the screen and hear Ryan Seacrest say “To vote for…” click fast forward.  You’ll finish on time, I promise.

2. Keep the mute button close!  Press the mute button any time Seacrest and Cowell start talking to each other.  Watching those two trade bad insults is more painful than Shrek the Third.  Those two need to get a room.  Seriously.

3. Don’t watch the elimination show!  Every week Fox takes an hour to tell someone that their dream is dead.  This hour is pretty much a complete waste of your time, but then so is this blog.  Last year we’d fast forward through the whole show and just watch to see who got sent home that week.  This year we’ll probably just skip that show altogether and look at Fox’s website after 9:00.  That way you don’t have to endure all the contrived suspense music and lighting as they make the announcement.

4. Visit votefortheworst.com!  For those of you wondering why Sanjaya stayed so long last year, it was probably these guys.   As the name implies, this website’s aim is coordinated mass voting for the worst singer still in competition.  They pick their pony and ride them until they’re eliminated.

5. Mention American Idol in your blog as often as possible!  Maybe your hit count will triple.  Hello syndication!  Hey, I can dream, can’t I?

What if this was a sports car blog?

If this year’s Christmas takings were indicative of what kind of Christmas gifts I can expect in the future then I’m never stopping this blog.

So what did I open on Christmas morning? Well, Karen got me Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain, which is good reading in case you’ve been thinking about opening your own restaurant.

My sister got us some custom printed aprons, and these came with opening instructions. I was to open my present first,

Then Karen was to open hers.

I’m looking to market these in local Wal-Mart stores.  I’ll get them on the shelves, I know the overnight stockers.

My sister also sent a “Giant Art Jar” for Jonathan.  When this arrived I took a quick glance at the packing list and thought for sure I’d seen “Giant ANT Jar.”   I was on my way to Starbucks to get her kids some chocolate espresso beans when I realized my mistake.

A dear friend who visits this blog once a quarter got us a set of Alton Brown’s plungers, perfect for measuring and doling out those sticky ingredients.

Thanks, Michelle. Your copy of Why Mommy is a Democrat is on the way.

So how cool was that? Best Christmas Ever.  These presents give me the idea that people actually read this blog. Pretty soon I’ll get an ego like Stephen Colbert. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention what Aliyah gave me.