American Idol Viewer’s Guide

American Idol returns tonight, isn’t that great?  Since I have no self respect any more I can proudly say that I watched every episode last year (yes I voted for Jordin).  You have to wonder what poor soul will be chosen as a finalist, only to serve as Simon Cowell’s personal punching bag until they are mercifully eliminated.  Has anyone ever asked if these contestants get paid for making Fox all that money?  Just asking.

Anyway, as I said I have one full year of American Idol watching experience.  A harrowing experience it was, too.  And since I don’t learn from my mistakes I’ll probably watch every show this season as well.  But I did learn some things along the way, and since I’m a nice guy I thought I’d pass them on to the world at large.

Mark’s Guide to Watching American Idol

1. Don’t watch it live!  Tivo, DVR, whatever you call it, USE IT.   There are so many ads during the show that you shouldn’t have to subject yourself to the myriad commercial breaks as well.  Wait until about a third of the way through, then start watching the recording.  As soon as you see the number to call pop up on the screen and hear Ryan Seacrest say “To vote for…” click fast forward.  You’ll finish on time, I promise.

2. Keep the mute button close!  Press the mute button any time Seacrest and Cowell start talking to each other.  Watching those two trade bad insults is more painful than Shrek the Third.  Those two need to get a room.  Seriously.

3. Don’t watch the elimination show!  Every week Fox takes an hour to tell someone that their dream is dead.  This hour is pretty much a complete waste of your time, but then so is this blog.  Last year we’d fast forward through the whole show and just watch to see who got sent home that week.  This year we’ll probably just skip that show altogether and look at Fox’s website after 9:00.  That way you don’t have to endure all the contrived suspense music and lighting as they make the announcement.

4. Visit votefortheworst.com!  For those of you wondering why Sanjaya stayed so long last year, it was probably these guys.   As the name implies, this website’s aim is coordinated mass voting for the worst singer still in competition.  They pick their pony and ride them until they’re eliminated.

5. Mention American Idol in your blog as often as possible!  Maybe your hit count will triple.  Hello syndication!  Hey, I can dream, can’t I?

What if this was a sports car blog?

If this year’s Christmas takings were indicative of what kind of Christmas gifts I can expect in the future then I’m never stopping this blog.

So what did I open on Christmas morning? Well, Karen got me Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain, which is good reading in case you’ve been thinking about opening your own restaurant.

My sister got us some custom printed aprons, and these came with opening instructions. I was to open my present first,

Then Karen was to open hers.

I’m looking to market these in local Wal-Mart stores.  I’ll get them on the shelves, I know the overnight stockers.

My sister also sent a “Giant Art Jar” for Jonathan.  When this arrived I took a quick glance at the packing list and thought for sure I’d seen “Giant ANT Jar.”   I was on my way to Starbucks to get her kids some chocolate espresso beans when I realized my mistake.

A dear friend who visits this blog once a quarter got us a set of Alton Brown’s plungers, perfect for measuring and doling out those sticky ingredients.

Thanks, Michelle. Your copy of Why Mommy is a Democrat is on the way.

So how cool was that? Best Christmas Ever.  These presents give me the idea that people actually read this blog. Pretty soon I’ll get an ego like Stephen Colbert. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention what Aliyah gave me.

Playing in the snow

Do you know how long it takes to get a kid ready to go play in the snow? Last year Jonathan spent a total of 10 minutes outside playing in the snow. We’d spend 10 minutes getting him into his snow pants, snow boots, coat, hat, gloves, and scarf, and he’d be out there until about the count of three. He didn’t like the cold, the wind, the snow falling on his face, nothing. So this year the question was how long Jonathan would stay outside and play. Isaac almost answered that question quickly. As soon as Jonathan stepped outside into the yard Isaac dumped a shovel full of snow on his head. I hadn’t even gotten my camera out yet, and I was furious. Imagine what a great picture that would have been. I told Isaac and Jonathan not to throw snowballs at each other (Jonathan’s no good at it), but to throw snow at my car instead. I’ve had better ideas.

I then got out the sled. After Isaac went down the “hill” a couple times Jonathan said he wanted to try. Isaac held the sled still while he got on and then gave him a shove to get him going.

While I was outside taking pictures of those two I found my morning newspaper in the yard.

For some reason Isaac kept picking up snow and eating it. We have dogs in our neighborhood, so I told them to only eat snow that’s falling from the sky. Here’s Isaac trying his best.

Through all of this, Ben stayed warm and comfy inside, wondering what had gotten into his brothers today.

Do buffaloes have wings?

The local grocery store sold Karen a rancid chicken on Saturday. It was a seven pounder destined for the table of a family in our church, so while Karen set about making the other preparations I returned the offending bird and got a replacement chicken:

Did you catch it? Look at the picture again. Yes, friends, that’s not a chicken. It was right next to the Purdue broilers, but that is most definitely a breast of turkey. Karen said “That’s not a chicken!” To this I replied “What?! Of course it’s a chicken!” After cursing I went back a second time and got a real chicken. It probably would have been easier to raise my own at this point. I suppose this raises the question of how I can cook a chicken if I don’t know what one looks like.

Suddenly I have something in common with Jessica Simpson…

Daddy, why does my dinner glow in the dark?

I’ve made Mario Batali’s tomato sauce before.  Actually I’m pleased with how easy it is, and it tastes really good.  These days I’ll make a batch and what I don’t use I’ll freeze into little tomato-sicles for easy parceling later.

One of the steps in making the tomato sauce is to add half of a medium sized carrot, finely grated.  And you’re supposed to saute it with the onions and garlic.  The carrot is supposed to combat the acidity of the tomatoes.  Well, on Saturday I made a double recipe.  So I doubled everything in the recipe.  Maybe I didn’t let it brown long enough, maybe I shouldn’t have put in a whole carrot, maybe the carrot was just too big.  Sunday night Karen made a casserole with my tomato sauce, and it was orange.

Doesn’t that one piece of penne look like a finger? It wasn’t just any orange, though.  This looked inspired by the 1988 Denver Broncos’ uniforms.   We’ll call it “Elway Orange.”  It sounds better than “Uranium 238 Orange.”

And in case you’re wondering why the Steelers won this week, you’ll find out on Karen’s blog.  Ben’s support for the team was pivotal, and he’ll be wearing that for every game from here on out.

Murder!

I killed Karen’s computer. Well, technically it was my computer, but in our house Karen gets all the cool electronics and I get what’s left over. Karen confiscated my laptop when our other computer started doing this:

This is what I stare at every day. I have no idea what my blog really looks like. It took me several months to be able to look at the screen without getting a headache. Karen still can’t do it. My in-laws have visited and they steer clear of this thing. I’m sure they all get together and laugh at me for having such a suck computer. And seeing that picture on this monitor makes is look worse.

Anyway, looking at my laptop is like taking a step back in time. Perhaps the same year I bought it several technologies went obsolete. The parallel port:

The serial port:

The floppy drive:

The hard drive on this laptop started giving problems back in the spring. If you let it shut down all the way it wouldn’t always start back up. But once it got going it was fine. Monday it quit for good. I often had visions of someone breaking into our house and stealing it, only to get it to the pawn shop DOA. It still makes me laugh. There is a sense of security in knowing that there’s nothing in your house worth stealing.

What I really want is an iMac. I grew up in the days of the Apple II, and I’ve always wanted to go back. But the real reason I want a Mac is that their commercials are way cool. I think I look like the “I’m a Mac” guy. I’ll be posting more praise for OS X later, in the hopes that Apple will give me one for free because of all the publicity I’m giving them.

The Halloween tax

Who loves Halloween the most?  Is it the kids, the parents, the candy makers?  Personally I think it’s the dentists.  Just look at last night’s takings for my two trick or treaters:

Do you really think they should be eating all that candy?  Not me.  It’s bad for their teeth, it’s bad for their health, it’s bad for anything breakable in the house.  That’s why we have the Halloween tax at our house.  The Halloween tax is taken from the loot while the kids are at school or sleeping (or otherwise engaged during the day).  The first things to go are peanut butter cups, and Mom and Dad race to see who can claim them first.  Then we calmly pick through the remains to see what else catches our fancy.  I say “we.”  It’s mostly me.

So yes, I graze on my kids’ Halloween takings.  I suppose that makes me evil.  Dr. Evil to you.

CSI: Playroom

Police responded to a call at the green house and discovered the dismembered pieces of the victim. Heading up the stairs the backbone, ribcage, and pelvis were found on the upstairs landing.

Upon entering the “play room” the left leg was found directly behind the computer desk.

The left arm (I think) was located on the floor in front of the television.

The right arm and right leg were found on a pillow in front of the wicker chair.

The victim’s head was finally located under the chair.

Two suspects were apprehended, and have confessed to torturing the victim. They were the usual suspects.

You can’t make a cheese sauce with skim milk

I was making mac and cheese for the boys the other day when I got this great idea. “I’ll just make a nice cheese sauce and pour it over the pasta when it’s done.” (Let me say at the beginning that there were no blue boxes in the house, so I was on my own.) Usually I wait until the mac is done cooking, drain it, and then put in some cheddar cubes, milk, and butter. This time I decided to make the cheese at the same time as the mac.

I got off to a bad start when the milk almost boiled over. Yes, a mere quarter cup of milk almost boiled over. Skim milk, remember, plus a pat of butter. So I put in the cheese and let it sit so it could melt a little.  When I came back to it two minutes later I was greeted by what appeared to be baby vomit mixed with cottage cheese.

The only reason it wasn’t a complete disaster was that I never poured it over the pasta.  When the pasta was done cooking I proceeded just like normal. Instead of skim milk I used half n half, and it turned out fine. Later that evening there was a Good Eats episode on mac and cheese. Alton said something about cheese clumping when it melts too quickly. So I’m not sure if it was the milk or the high heat that did me in. Probably both.

As I was washing it down the sink I thought to myself, “I should take a picture of this, it would be a great story for my blog.”

Making myself useful

We bought our washing machine six years ago. You’d think they would last longer than that. But apparently not. Our motor died a spectacular death last week, making the downstairs lights flicker rapidly every time it tried to start spinning. I was given two options on the phone by the repair guy. Spend $250 to fix the motor or probably $350 to replace the whole thing. Fixing the machine wasn’t really worth it. But then I started looking online, and I found a motor on ebay for $160. I started thinking. I could save us two hundred bucks, or I could end up costing us an extra hundred sixty. Karen resignedly gave her support, so I ordered the part. It happened to be in state, so UPS ground got it here the next day.

First thing, I had to go get a new tool just so I could take out the old motor:

While I’m at Lowe’s, I really should get a new tool box.

Even with this new tool, it was a real pain getting the old one out and the new one in. About a half hour each way.

I also had to drill a hole so I could mount the new startup capacitor:

Karen was shocked and relieved to see that it worked. I was pleasantly surprised as well. They changed the design of the motor, so hopefully this one will last until the kids graduate college. Now, if I could only fix that toilet paper holder…