A little reward, you’ve earned it…

This is my 100th post. I always knew I was this long-winded, but I didn’t know you had it in you to stick around this long. Thank you. For your diligence I reward you with a story that is now legend in our household lore.

The Burgers

It was October 2006 and raining and really too cold outside for grilling, but we’d made burgers for the grill. Karen’s mom was visiting so I wanted to “treat” her to my hamburgers. Well, we have an indoor grill, and let’s face it, cooking with a gas grill isn’t real BBQ anyway.

For those of you unfamiliar with our kitchen we had a Jenn-Air range that was about as old as I am. And Jenn-Air ranges come with an indoor grill insert and, well, let me show you what it looks like:

So your food sits on the grill grates (on the right), under that is the heating element, and under that is where those knobbly looking things go. They’re heavy and they have wire supports for the heating element. Apparently they do a good job of collecting grease too, but we’ll get to that. We’ve cooked steaks on the grill before with moderate success. It’s actually not a bad idea for when it’s raining. But we’d never cooked burgers on the grill before, and I figured it would be just like steaks. Oh, and another thing, this time I left the heat turned all the way up to high. And why not? Charcoal grills have no real heat control anyway, right? I’m not really sure what the instructions say to do in this instance, but real men don’t need instructions, right?

So I’m cooking burgers. I’m the man, I cook the burgers. They’re about three quarters done and I see this tiny flame peek out from underneath the heating element. Hmm. A little bit of grease, it should burn itself out soon, I think. It doesn’t. It starts growing. Apparently burgers have a lot of fat in them, but then I already knew that. I turn the heat off. The flame (at this point I should say flames) keep getting bigger, until they are reaching up and licking the bottom of the microwave.

“help” I say very sheepishly. From the dining room I hear Karen say “What now?”

“f- f- fire” I say sheepishly. Everyone comes in. Karen, Karen’s mom, Karen’s sister. At this point I’m thinking two things: Where are the boys? Ben is asleep in his swing, Isaac is asleep in bed, Jonny is in the bathtub. The other thing I’m thinking is Who the f— puts wallpaper behind a stove? Seriously, shouldn’t there be tile back there? The previous owners of this house did nothing right.

Wait, the stove is still on fire. I’m wishing at this point that we had a fire extinguisher. Karen put a pot lid on the grill, but the fire is under the grill so that doesn’t work. We don’t have enough baking soda. So we all wonder what to do. How much time until the wallpaper catches fire? I make an executive decision. Everything has to go. I grab my kitchen tongs and, starting from the top down, I take each piece individually outside to the back porch.

“WAIT!” says Karen, “Save the burgers!” I can see the headline now: Woman Rescues Burgers, Serves Them To Firemen While Her House Burns Down. Once the burgers are safe I take everything else outside in the cold and rain.

The burgers weren’t very good, but now we have a fire extinguisher in the kitchen.

Later that week the same exact thing happened to Bobby Flay on Iron Chef America. That’s why I like him so much. He’s so much like me. He put the fire out by emptying a box of kosher salt on it. Good to know.

Wings & mushrooms

I’m starting to enjoy posting football food. I get to use my grill. But alas, cold weather is on the way and I will have to move my enterprises inside soon. We’ll see if Man Food can be made indoors.

So this past weekend I was thinking wings. Karen gave me these great grilling cookbooks for my birthday and I’ve got to use them, right? Weber’s Big Book had two recipes I wanted to try. And I found a recipe in Bobby Flay’s book for grilled portabella caps. Sounds like fun.

Among the ingredients for one of the wing recipes was Tabasco, for heat. My wife is from Trinidad; we don’t have Tabasco, we have Chatak, remember? I used two teaspoons of it in the marinade and bought an extra gallon of milk.

I made two different kinds of wings.  They were both very good, but I only marinaded the sweet & spicy ones for a couple of hours. I ran out of time Saturday night, but next time they’ll both marinade overnight. Of what I made, the last wings on the grill had more pepper to them. Either the extra time in the marinade helped, or pepper sauce sinks to the bottom.

As you can see I can burn chicken on a charcoal grill just as well as I can on a gas grill. It helps if I’m paying more attention to the game than the grill.

I liked the looks of Bobby’s grilled mushroom caps, but decided to take things a step further. He wanted Parmesan cheese crusted over the mushrooms toward the end. We didn’t have any fresh parmesan so I figured I could use mozzarella, and I even decided to put a little slice of tomato under the cheese. (I’m thinking pizza here. Genius, I know.) Toward the end I found some shredded parmesan in the fridge so I threw that on too. They turned out great, but in the future I’d make them out of regular sized creminis so that they’re bite-sized. I’ll keep you posted.

After all was said and done I had 3 good appetizers suitable for catering my Super Bowl party this year, should I have opportunity to host one. Go Steelers.

Postgame sliders

This is Part II from my previous post on chili. That one was running a little long so I decided to give the sliders their own post.

If you have enough energy after eating all that chili, you can go ahead and make some sliders, or mini hamburgers, as a postgame top off. I got this idea a couple years ago from a cookbook for toddlers, and it said that these were just as popular with adults as they are with kids. Further confirmation came from Top Chef last month, where they made these for late-night partygoers in Miami.

I love mushrooms. The problem with putting them on burgers, however, is that they all tend to fall out onto your shirt. You can’t taste them on your shirt. I’ve been on the lookout for months for an idea to put shrooms on a burger successfully. And I had my epiphany right there in the supermarket. I know, I’ve had those before, but I didn’t have the kids with me this time. My idea: small burgers, big mushrooms:

I know what you’re thinking. Thank you, I thought it was brilliant too. And while I’m grilling mushrooms I may as well grill some onions too. Oooh, and I found this great recipe for grilled fries from Bobby Flay, so we even have a side dish.

So how’d it go, you say? It went well. I took a pound of ground chuck and mixed it with a pound of what I later found out was Karen’s special ground round that she uses for a “burn Mark’s taste buds off” Thai dish of hers. So the burgers should be awesome. I mixed in 3 minced cloves of garlic and some kosher salt. Out of 2 pounds of meat I ended up with 17 burgers, so that’s about 8 per pound. I basically shaped them to be a little bigger than the rolls.

I slice up an onion and those big shrooms and take everything outside. I put the onions and mushrooms on the piece of foil and transfer it to the grill, only on the way everything drops to the ground. One of the mushrooms actually breaks into five pieces upon impact, furthering my humiliation.

I salvaged one of the mushrooms and grilled dinner.

I learned something. When grilling mushrooms, don’t put them on foil. They stick. Put them directly on the grill, or maybe even in a little cast iron skillet on the grill. That sounds good. Put the onions in there too, while you’re at it. Now I’m getting hungry again. Anyway, everything turned out well. I did char the fries a bit, but it was getting dark and I couldn’t really see that well. But I did make a successful mushroom swiss burger:

Next time I may make my own burger buns, Karen’s already tried it.

Halftime Chili

Yes, football is back. It’s really been too long. In honor of this auspicious occasion (and in appreciation to NFL officials for scheduling Cleveland in Mike Tomlin’s coaching debut) I’m making Man Food. But it’s not just Man Food, I’m providing a public service here. You see, all prep work is done before the game or during commercial breaks. I told you I’ve got your back. If you start about an hour before the game you should have the chili simmering nicely just in time for kickoff. At least that’s how long it took me.

Many people make beef chili, many people make bean chili. I always put both in. And we also always have it with rice. This is due to Karen’s Trinidad upbringing. They have rice and beans. All the time. And I must admit it’s very good that way. I just won’t win any awards for this because all competition chili is either one or the other.

Chili is actually pretty easy. You start by chopping up some veggies and sweating the aromatics (as Alton Brown likes to say).

Then you dump everything else in, bring to a simmer, and then go watch the game.

Wait! I almost forgot. You know, I was on my way to the couch when I remembered the beef. I had my Bettis jersey on and everything. Don’t forget the beef. Note: Do not sear the meat before you put it in. I did this once. Can you say shoe leather? This was our steak, and yes I chopped it into little bits.

If you want rice, you can start that at about the time the Brows fans start chanting “Brady Quinn! Brady Quinn!” At the two minute warning go chop the cilantro (my secret ingredient. Shhhh!) and stir that in.

You’ll know it’s done when:

At halftime everything is ready, go enjoy.

WARNING: This chili is extremely filling and possibly nap inducing. Beware eating this dish during an exciting game; you may fall asleep during the crucial last few minutes. Perhaps you should only make this when your team is playing the Cleveland Browns.

Labor Day Chicken

The saga of the charcoal grill now complete, I turned my attention to what to cook first on my new purchase. Well, chicken, of course! But how? I must admit that those grilling books Karen got me are a bit intimidating. Bobby Flay likes to play around with gourmet ingredients that I just didn’t have time to shop for, so I opened up Weber’s Big Book. Karen got some small NY strip steaks and I knew we were having drumsticks, that’s about it. Then Karen told me that she bought veggies to make a new BBQ staple of ours, ratatouille. Very nice. While the coals are warming up I can cook the veggies on the gas grill. So let’s fire up the charcoal.

Hello my old friend, it’s been too long:

Yes, I’m a pyro at heart. Veggies cooking and coals warming:

Karen thought I was silly for using both grills at once. I reserve the right to be silly.

Then there was the small matter of the chicken. There was a recipe for “Margarita Chicken” in the book so I made the marinade and set the chicken aside for a few hours. It called for tequila but I didn’t have any so I used rum instead. The book also had a recipe for salsa that it said would go well with steaks, so I made that too. I tried to take a picture of the chicken cooking, but my camera is being stupid. Too many things to focus on I suppose, I’ll just have to buy a new camera. So did I burn the chicken?

No. To all you who thought I was crazy when I said it was the gas grill’s fault for burning the chicken, I give you positive proof. Add ratatouille, some steamed potatoes (that were on the grill a little too long), and some salad made by Karen and you’ve got dinner.

I’m back. Football this weekend. My house. Go Steelers.

Click <More> for the recipes, with our modifications.

I don’t need much encouragement

Perhaps this is why Karen has never given me any positive vibes on the guitar subject. My birthday present this year included two grilling cookbooks:

Mixed messages aside, my failures with the gas grill are well documented. But I did manage to grill salmon on a cedar plank last week without the fish bursting into flames. While perusing these two books I lamented to Karen that they probably assumed that you own a charcoal grill if you care enough to spend money on a cookbook. Karen’s response was “Well, go out and get us another Smokey Joe grill! They’re cheap!”

That was all I needed. I went to Target last Thursday and grills were on clearance. Smokey Joes were 1/3 off, but so were these:

I was stuck. Should I or shouldn’t I? Unable to decide, I left it up to Jonathan. “Jonny, should I get the big one or the little one?” Guess which one he picked. Good boy, you love your daddy, don’t you? And while I’m here I should really get some new utensils.

I arrived home with my booty and was all happy. Karen came home and said “WHAT IS THIS!?!?! I was joking!!!”

oho.

Well then, um, it was on clearance so I can’t really return it. Too bad I hadn’t already assembled it.  Well, here it is, ain’t it cool?  My neighbor thought it was kinda weird when I took a picture of my new grill.  It’s just that kind of blog.

Up Next: Labor day.  Did I burn the chicken?

Mixed messages

Have I told  you that I’m tough to shop for?  I am.  Everything I want is expensive and specialized and I don’t really want to receive that kind of thing as a present.  Maybe a good Christmas present this year is permission to go guitar shopping…

Anyway, last year for my birthday Karen got me, among other things, two soup cookbooks that have both served us well, except for the red wine broth that almost ruined Valentines day.  So this year I was excited when I received, among other things, two grilling cookbooks. Boy Gets Grill by Bobby Flay and Weber’s Big Book of Grilling.  She could’ve finished the job and got me a charcoal grill to go with it.  Our last Smokey Joe lasted 10 years.

I was very excited to see some of the recipes and stuff in these books.  Weber even discusses gas grilling.  But now I’m wondering at the message that Karen is sending me.  “I love you honey, but seriously, get that chicken under control.”

Vinegar is vinegar

It was one of those days when I felt I could do no wrong. I’d been watching a lot of the Food Network and felt invincible. I wanted to make my own steak sauce. Watching Bobby Flay make them on camera gave me a false sense of security. He talks about them casually, making it sound easy, while he puts them together with at least 200 ingredients. I knew it was my time.

Looking for a steak sauce recipe I saw this one from Bobby Flay and thought it sounded doable. So I set off to the grocery store in search of sherry vinegar, piquillo pepper, horseradish, and molasses. These were the ingredients we didn’t have on hand. They didn’t have piquillo pepper, so I got some poblano peppers instead, and they didn’t have sherry vinegar. Hmmm. Nobody around here has sherry vinegar.  I thought about just using sherry, but then the thought came to me, right there in aisle 12. “I don’t really know what sherry vinegar tastes like, but I like balsamic vinegar; I’ll just use that.”

For future reference, when you get ideas while you’re in the grocery store with three unhappy boys under the age of six, they’re not good ideas.

Every so often I’ll make something so bad that even I can’t muscle it down. This was one of those times. My first thought was “Maybe it’ll taste different on the steak.” But no, nasty in the bowl is still nasty when you put it on the steak. Karen spent a half hour trying to save the steak sauce, but the only one who ate it was the garbage disposal. Apparently balsamic vinegar is nothing like sherry vinegar. I ended up making Cabernet steak and mushrooms instead (which included another trip to the grocery store, and the liquor store for the wine).

This was one of those life changing moments when I realized one of my limitations. But I was so depressed at the time that I couldn’t even enjoy the steaks I’d made. I had been looking forward to this for weeks, and come to realize that I have no ability to make my own steak or barbecue sauces. Even from recipes.

If you’re wondering why there are no pictures to document my enlightenment, it’s because this happened last summer, and is one of the original inspirations behind this blog.

My greatest enemy

Karen’s been after me for weeks to post this.

You’ve heard me rant against my oven. It preheats and then shuts off. It’s sabotaged my creme brulee, cinnamon rolls, and pizza. But it’s never beaten me. All three of those projects came out great. So what could be worse than an oven that shuts off?

A gas grill.

Not just any gas grill, though, an EVIL gas grill. Okay, so perhaps all gas grills are evil.

I just don’t get it. I was great with charcoal. Those were the best burgers I’ve ever had. Come to think of it, I still make pretty good burgers on the grill. I make pretty good steaks on the grill too. I’ve even cooked veggies on the grill. But there’s one thing I’ve never gotten right since I started with this stupid thing.

Chicken.

In the picture above you see my latest batch of Jerk Chicken, from July 4th. It was actually pretty funny. We had a guest, and he very graciously said nothing while politely avoiding the chicken altogether. I’ve made chicken at least half a dozen times this year, and every time they end up looking like this. Perhaps I get impatient and that’s why I close the lid, but as soon as I do I turn BBQ into something that’s becoming legendary in our house.

Chernobyl Chicken.

Last week Karen made an unwelcome comment to me, “Why doesn’t Bobby Flay burn his chicken like this?” Because Bobby Flay never cooks chicken on a gas grill. And it’s dead easy with charcoal. You put the coals in the middle and put the chicken around the outside of the grill. He doesn’t even close the lid, ever. The Jerk gets this great blackened skin (not burned) that’s delicious. Cooking on a gas grill with indirect heat is like washing my minivan with a toothbrush. That’s why I’m good with burgers and steaks. When God made cows he said “Thou shalt be cooked over an open flame.”

I used to be a proud non-owner of a gas grill. Now I’m a shamed owner of a gas grill that has truly beaten me. And since my Weber kettle grill died a grisly death last year I’m doomed for at least two summers to tinker, fiddle, and experiment, ultimately burning the chicken anyway.

Like my dad always said “They’re brown when they’re cookin’, and they’re black when they’re done.”

Pizza lesson #1: circles!

Yes, here it is. My moment of triumph, my shining glory.

Karen did most of the work.

Karen and I made pizza together Friday night so she could show me what dough is supposed to look and feel like. Karen thinks I’ve been pushing too hard when I knead the dough. I mixed the batter and kneaded the dough. Karen sliced the toppings, rolled the dough into CIRCLES for pizza and assembled the pizzas. I put the boys in their aprons so they could top their own pizza.

I also put the pizzas in the oven and monitored their cooking. Yes I’m making it sound like I did more than just stand there watching Karen work. Here’s the dough after I kneaded it.

Did I tell you I hate my oven? It doesn’t self-clean any more, and it shut off again while cooking pizza #2. We really need to have it repaired / replaced. Karen loves the downdraft and convection though.

We used a different dough recipe this time (from Mario Batali of course). Karen suggested using bread flour instead of all purpose flour and it was the best dough we’ve ever made. Plus there’s wine in it. A wine that drew the attention of the guy at the liquor store such that he complemented my taste. I didn’t have the heart to tell him “I only need a quarter cup, it’s going in pizza dough.”

Next we decided that while we’re making Mario’s dough we may as well make a pizza from the same show. Plus we had the fresh mozzarella in the fridge. He called it Classic Pizza Napolitana and it’s got slices of fresh mozzarella and basil leaves on it. Karen suggested adding some tomatoes on top. It was close to being the best pizza I’d ever had.

Remember the soup nazi from Seinfeld? They’d taste his soup and then say “Oooo, that’s good. I gotta sit down.” That’s how good this pizza was. It’s only Friday and already it felt like Father’s day.

Below I’ll put our recipe adapted from Mario’s.