American Idol returns tonight, isn’t that great? Since I have no self respect any more I can proudly say that I watched every episode last year (yes I voted for Jordin). You have to wonder what poor soul will be chosen as a finalist, only to serve as Simon Cowell’s personal punching bag until they are mercifully eliminated. Has anyone ever asked if these contestants get paid for making Fox all that money? Just asking.
Anyway, as I said I have one full year of American Idol watching experience. A harrowing experience it was, too. And since I don’t learn from my mistakes I’ll probably watch every show this season as well. But I did learn some things along the way, and since I’m a nice guy I thought I’d pass them on to the world at large.
Mark’s Guide to Watching American Idol
1. Don’t watch it live! Tivo, DVR, whatever you call it, USE IT. There are so many ads during the show that you shouldn’t have to subject yourself to the myriad commercial breaks as well. Wait until about a third of the way through, then start watching the recording. As soon as you see the number to call pop up on the screen and hear Ryan Seacrest say “To vote for…” click fast forward. You’ll finish on time, I promise.
2. Keep the mute button close! Press the mute button any time Seacrest and Cowell start talking to each other. Watching those two trade bad insults is more painful than Shrek the Third. Those two need to get a room. Seriously.
3. Don’t watch the elimination show! Every week Fox takes an hour to tell someone that their dream is dead. This hour is pretty much a complete waste of your time, but then so is this blog. Last year we’d fast forward through the whole show and just watch to see who got sent home that week. This year we’ll probably just skip that show altogether and look at Fox’s website after 9:00. That way you don’t have to endure all the contrived suspense music and lighting as they make the announcement.
4. Visit votefortheworst.com! For those of you wondering why Sanjaya stayed so long last year, it was probably these guys. As the name implies, this website’s aim is coordinated mass voting for the worst singer still in competition. They pick their pony and ride them until they’re eliminated.
5. Mention American Idol in your blog as often as possible! Maybe your hit count will triple. Hello syndication! Hey, I can dream, can’t I?